Michelle Obama Hates Fat Kids and So Should You [UPDATED]

First Lady Michelle Obama launches campaign against fat kids. Since fat kids are unsightly and not productive members of society, First Lady Obama is working to put the weight of the Federal Government behind her initiative to rid the country of these fat little crumb crunchers.

Michelle Obama does not just want the Federal Government to aid her in her crusade against fat kids, she wants your help too. In a White House event marking the beginning of the end for fat kids, The First Lady said:

…[this isn’t about] having government tell people what to do. Instead, I’m looking at what we all can do.

Obama wants to reduce junk food in schools, and put an end to “food deserts” in urban areas. Though it seems leaving fat kids in a desert would certainly cause them to lose weight. Hate filled conservative blogger Frankj has a list of solutions from Mrs. Obama.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. What would you do to get rid of fat kids?

UPDATE: Amazing! Coincidentally, USAToday did a story about fat kids being more likely to die. Especially now since Michelle Obama has it out for them.

Binyam Mohamed Tortured By U.S. [Updatedx2]

Britain’s government lost a protracted court battle which forced them to release information that Binyam Mohamed was tortured by the U.S. during his time at Guantanimo Bay, and that the British were complicit in Mohamed’s torture. The government argued that release of the information would harm U.S.-British intelligence cooperation.

Mohamed’s lawyers argued that the seven paragraph summary detailing U.S. treatment of Mohamed before Mohamed was interviewed by an MI-5 agent would prove that Mohamed was tortured, and that the U.S. and Britain are indeed Satan. Mohamed’s lawyers further contended that the seven paragraph summary would show that the U.S. and Britain’s military’s are war criminals and deserve to perish in hellfire at the hands of Allah.

The seven paragraph summary, which was read in court, detailed the “cruel, inhuman, and degrading treatment” United States war criminals used on Mohamed. The nightmarish treatment outlined by the summary included:

• Sleep deprivation
• Shackling
• Mental stress and suffering caused by threats
• Pink bellies
• Wedgies
• Excessive tickling
• The Bachelor reruns (possibly the most inhumane torture technique on the list)

Apparently this summary is the “smoking gun” as it were. It is high time the U.S. was tried for war crimes in international court. If not, I fear the British may make terrorists like them before Barack Obama can make them like the United States.

UPDATE: Read the seven paragraph summary.

ALSO: Hate filled right wing blogger Ace’s thoughts on the issue.

UPDATE 2:Obama Administration says intelligence sharing with U.K. damaged. We cannot afford to lose the race to be liked by the terrorists! The Obama Administration needs to be the first to release Bush Administration torture information!

Palin Writes Notes on Hand, Is Stupid

It was learned that while giving a hate-filled speech at the racist Tea Party National Convention in Nashville, TN. on Saturday night, former Wasilla mayor Sarah Palin had notes written on her hand. This obviously makes her stupid.

According to the National Center for Public Speaking, no public speaker has written notes on their hand since 1904 when Jonathan “Moosejaw” Maclanahan gave a speech on the proper way to build a cross for burning.

This act of egregious stupidity was met with hilarious jokes from Andrea Mitchell and White House Press Sceretary, Robert Gibbs. Both Mitchell and Gibbs wrote words on their hands to mock Palin resulting in contract offers from Saturday Night Live.

Palin’s crib notes set the blogosphere ablaze. Bloggers rushed to their keyboards to point out the glaring hypocrisy of Palin’s chastising of President Obama for using a teleprompter to read entire speeches while she had seven words written on her palm.

U.S. Government Investigating Toyota Mechanical Problems

The United States Government has stepped up it’s scrutiny on Toyota’s technical difficulties. From Camrys to Prius (Priuses? Pria? Prii?) to Lexuses, Toyota has been recalling vehicles left and right. Now the Corolla can be added to that list. Toyota’s North American CEO, Yoshi Inaba, was set to testify in a congressional hearing, but that’s been postponed due to Global Warming induced Snowmaggedon (Snowpocalypse? Snosferatu? Snowangel of Death?).

Apparently President Obama has decided that Toyota is a crappy car company, and therefore must suffer the righteous wrath of the United States Government. Good thing too. That should help General Motors and Chrysler sell more cars. It’s about time the United States auto industry catch a break. What’s that? No, I don’t see any gorillas.

NOAA Proposes Becoming All About the Global Warming

As Washington D.C. digs itself out of two feet of snow dropped on the city by global warming, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration proposes a new Global Warming service aimed at consolidating data to make NOAA a single point of contact for climate prediction.

NOAA (not be confused with NASA) would need congressional approval of the restructuring. The new service would rely on existing resources, but would need additional funding most likely to come from greedy Wall Street executive bonuses, or banks. This additional funding would most definitely not come from hardworking Americans making less than $250,000 per year, or $100,000 per year depending upon whom you ask.

According to Commerce Secretary Gary Locke:

This new agency would totally not massage the data to fit some agenda. They would rely mostly on peer reviewed research. They also plan to unfriend all those wankers from East Anglia University.

Of course President Obama will shore up jobs in the U.S. before allowing this to be funded. Being as Obama is so frikkin awesome, he should have that wrapped up by May 2010. Just in the nick of time to start funding this new service for fiscal year 2011.

Of course not everyone is supportive of this proposal. NASA administrator, Charles F. Bolden, Jr. was quoted as saying:

Copycats!

It’s great that the Obama admistration is focusing so strongly on Global Warming, the most important issue of our time. Hopefully the President could wrap this up in a few years so the Earth is not destroyed by man made Hellfire. Now, if we could just get the President to adopt Audi’s Green Police policy.

Palin Speaks at Tea Party, Is Stupid

At the tea bagging, tea bagger convention in Nashville, former GOP vice-presidential candidate, Sarah Palin,  gave the keynote address. Full of hatred and anger, she whipped her white, angry, racist, homophobic, teabaggging, crowd into a frenzy with her vitriolic hate speech.

The crowd, dressed mostly in white sheets and hoods, roared as Palin said racist things like:

“How’s that hope-y, change-y stuff workin’ out for you?”

Crosses burned, and swastikas waved as the increasingly violent, and racist teabaggers chanted: “Run, Sarah, Run!”

Palin offered no substantive ideas of her own. She only spoke in broad generalities. Possibly saying black people are lazy, or Mexicans like to steal, but probably not. She was paid $100,000.00 for this speaking engagement. Probably financed by the military-industrial complex, The Illuminati, or the Knights Templar.

These teabaggers are a menace. They threaten the very fabric of the First Amendment with all their hate speech. President Obama should use the military to break up these events before they cause the destruction of this nation.

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Geithner Says U.S. Bond Rating is Too Awesome to Fail

Timothy Geithner, U.S. Treasury Secretary, told ABC News’ This Week that America’s Triple-A bond rating is, “…too awesome to fail.” This comes after Moody’s Investors Services issued a warning about the U.S.’ bond rating.

Geithner said:

Come on, guy, this is the Obama administration we’re talking about here. Nobody can touch our bond rating, because if they do, Bang! Instant racist! Besides, we’re awesome! Our bond rating is awesome! Nobody but Rush “Fatty fat fat” Limbaugh wants us to fail.”

When asked if he was being overconfident, Geithner responded by plugging his ears, and chanting “nah, nah, nah, I can’t hear you.”

One thing is certain. The Obama administration is on the ball. Their new “Too Awesome to Fail” financial strategy is sure to be a success. Just as much of a success as the Stimulus Bill, T.A.R.P., and Martha Coakley President Obama’s NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament Bracket.

Obama’s Weekly Address: I’m Awesome, You Guys Suck

President Obama and GOP argued over job creation in their respective weekly addresses Saturday. The President repeated how much worse things would have been without him, and that everything bad that has happened since he has been in office is former President Bush’s fault:

Don’t you know I saved seventy bazillion jobs with my stimulus package. If it weren’t for George Bush this would have never happened. I’m awesome! It’s you guys who suck!

It is unclear at this point whether the “you guys” the President was referring to is the GOP or the American people. Could be both.

The GOP had some stuff to say, but it was rather dull and unimportant.

One thing is clear: President Obama is awesome! The first President to not only create jobs, but save jobs. He doesn’t get caught up in the politics of race. Most people even forget that he’s black. How awesome is that? Bow before him mortals!